Monday, May 16, 2016

Tony the Tiger shoots dentist while on holiday in Minnesota

Popular cereal mascot, Tony the Tiger, relaxed on holiday this week by shooting a dentist in the face with a crossbow.

The face of the nation’s favourite frosted flakes “stalked” the dentist by driving up really close to him in a jeep on Bloomington high street, before releasing a crossbow bolt into his eye from just ten feet away.

Posing with his prize (or ‘bloodied corpse’, if you want to be a massive hippy about it), Tony said, “If I had to describe that shot in one word, I’d say it was GRRRRRREAT!”

“Sorry, contractual obligation.”

“Where was I? Oh yes, it’s been a great day. Hunting really is a lost art. Sitting in a jeep, drinking beer and shooting unaware, unarmed sentient beings is the mark of a true sportsman.”

“Please don’t be under any illusions, I hunt dentists because I care about them.”

“They would stop making dentists if we didn’t continue to hunt them. That’s definitely how it works and if you disagree then you’re probably a communist.”

“I can’t wait to put this beautiful human head on my wall.”

Human Rights Activists (HRA) have been quick to condemn Tony the Tiger.

“We don’t disagree that a Tiger firing a crossbow is, objectively speaking, incredibly cool,” said a HRA spokesperson.

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